If an ordinary woman suffers from a tormenting husband, only a narrow circle knows about it. If a woman is famous - the whole country. “Women in Russian families are beaten - that’s true,” says famous psychotherapist Andrei Kurpatov, “this is one of the problems of the institution of marriage in Russia.” The doctor comments on the situations of Valeria, Jasmine and Anastasia Zavorotnyuk, and also answers questions from readers who complain about cruel husbands.
If an ordinary woman suffers from a tormenting husband, only a narrow circle knows about it. If a woman is famous - the whole country.
TOM confirmation is three high-profile scandals in the families of singers Valeria and Jasmine and actress Anastasia Zavorotnyuk. These stars fled from their husbands, unable to withstand moral and physical violence. Not so long ago, Valeria and Jasmine released autobiographical books that described all the horrors of family life with tyrant spouses.
"WOMEN in Russian families are beaten - this is true," says the famous psychotherapist Andrei Kurpatov, - this is one of the problems of the institution of marriage in Russia. "The doctor comments on the situations of Valeria, Jasmine and Anastasia Zavorotnyuk, and also answers questions from readers who complain about cruel husbands.
Anastasia Zavorotnyuk. The husband is a jealous
Anastasia Zavorotnyuk met her second husband Dmitry Striukov at a time when she was not yet known. She played in the repertoire theater. According to her, Strukov initially behaved relatively calmly. And then he became jealous of her, was indifferent to children, for him there was only one dominant - Nastya herself. She said that he organized tantrums from scratch, put forward ultimatums, prohibitions. And when fame came to Zavorotnyuk, he became endlessly jealous of her. They've divorced. But even after that, and especially when the whole country became aware of the affair of Anastasia and Sergey Zhigunov, threats began from Stryukov. The "battle" in the press unfolded, former spouses spoke a lot of things about each other.
Commentary by Dr. KURPATOV:
- ANASTASIA, being an outwardly bright woman and also an actress, made, in my opinion, a mistake at the very beginning of family life. She probably saw that her husband was not “soft and fluffy,” but she turned a blind eye to this, like many women did. Like, it’s hardened - it will fall in love. And when the spouse ceased to arrange a “free” and starry life Zavorotnyuk, the situation worsened, scenes of jealousy and other “horrors” began. He did not want a divorce, so he turned into an even greater tyrant.
Jasmine. The husband is the owner
RELATIONS Jasmine and her ex-wife, businessman Vyacheslav Semenduev, were originally based on unequal positions. He is much older, experienced, and wealthy. dictating its terms. “I couldn’t take a step without his knowledge,” Jasmine said, “he could yell at me during filming or rehearsal at all that he had put his foot in the wrong place.” Everything - the repertoire, outfits, videos - was under the strict control of her husband. The final of the drama is the beating of Jasmine, her escape from home, a statement to the prosecutor's office that Semenduev, the court, a settlement, a divorce did it.
Commentary by Dr. KURPATOV:
- MEZALYANS - age, financial - deliberately puts a woman in a dependent and vulnerable position. After ten years of such a marriage, it is sometimes difficult for her to imagine that in her life there may be something different. In addition, an important circumstance is the national culture, traditions that recognize all possible rights for the husband. Therefore, Jasmine endured a harsh attitude on the part of her husband, considering it right. And when she made the decision on divorce, the most difficult thing for her was to step over that line. She felt guilty. In general, women very often feel guilty, deciding to leave, for example, with their alcoholic husband or "home tyrant." And this feeling must be fought. After all, the one who causes suffering is to blame, and not the one who tries to avoid it in the future.
Valeria. Husband is a sadist
Valeria’s ex-husband, songwriter and producer Alexander Shulgin, “behind the facade” of an apparently prosperous family life, was completely different. The singer said that at certain moments he turned into a cruel "monster", who could, for example, poke her legs with a sharp end of a knife and hit her in the face with his fist. Could lock the child in a doghouse. Valeria herself and her three children were in constant fear, depending on the "attacks" of Shulgin's fury. Sometimes he blamed, she forgave, and then again. Until Valeria decided to divorce.
Commentary by Dr. KURPATOV:
- Husband Valeria showed sadistic inclinations, and she suffered and expected that he would ever change. It’s hard to call this tactic right. In such cases, in fact, a woman’s patience in a sense “justifies” her husband’s aggression and becomes a kind of positive reinforcement of his terrible behavior. If a woman is ready to endure such humiliation for the sake of preserving the marriage, then this is her payment for the status of a married woman. That is why the singer did not leave her husband for a long time, each time hoping that everything would work out. And yet - worse - humbled herself, hiding her head in the sand, like an ostrich, and thinking at the same time that behind the facade of an imaginary "star" well-being she would hide and endure her suffering. Yes, and it's scary to take everything and quit. But, fortunately, not everyone is willing to pay a terrible price, and therefore sooner or later such marriages break up. Gone and Valeria.
"You are a freak!"
I am 25 years old. I have a slight defect - slight squint. My mother called me disabled in childhood, at 18 I “escaped” in marriage so as not to live with her. The husband turned out to be a drinker. Then it was encoded, but. began to beat me. Often shouts: "You will not need anyone, ugly!" I’m tired, I want to get a divorce, but how can I and my daughter live on my small salary for laboratory assistants at a research institute?
Alina, Kaliningrad region
DEAR Alina, I understand that you are in a very difficult situation, but you can’t give up. First of all, you must separate the problems from one another, since you have several of them. There are material and everyday difficulties, there is a sense of inferiority instilled in you, there is a sense of hopelessness in this marriage. Let's define the main thing. This is self-esteem. Alinochka, please, start thinking about yourself well. Yes, you have a slight cosmetic defect, but you do not consist only of it, right? So look, even with a flashlight, even with an optical sight, the positive parts of yourself. Seek, find and nurture. When there are results, the feeling of hopelessness will become less, there will be forces to solve material and domestic issues, and you will cope. Wish you luck!
10 years ago I married a classmate. As soon as we got married, he immediately put forward the conditions: do not wear trousers, only long skirts, forget about makeup, girlfriends, etc. And if I was “out of schedule”, he grabbed my hair and hit my head against the wall. Now it makes me kneel down and ask for mercy. I'm ready to hang myself! Help!
Anastasia, Kaluga region
DEAR Anastasia, the problem is not your husband. The problem is your attitude to yourself. It all started from the first days of marriage, when you went about the absolutely unfounded demands of your husband. What did you think when you agreed to this humiliation? Afraid that he would leave you? And what would you lose in this case? Husband-aggressor? Small would be a loss. Anastasia, you went about your fears, pushed yourself into the background, and your husband liked this game. Then he got a taste at all. Now is the time when you have reached the last line. Try to believe in your strength, be consistent. Gone are the days when, having married, a woman surrendered to the power of her husband-lord. But some women, unfortunately, still retain this subconscious stereotype, and this is precisely your problem. Strength to you and determination!
"I'm afraid of aggression"
A year ago, she experienced a terrible divorce from her husband. He tortured me like that! He constantly beat, and once he nearly threw him out of the fourth floor from the window. We parted heavily, he pursued me. Now everything is behind, but I have a problem - I am afraid of a new relationship. I’m scared that a man may again be a tyrant.
DEAR Oksana, you have gone through difficult times, but now this marriage is in the past. You are free - this is the most important thing. With regard to your position - they say that the man will again be a tyrant - I must responsibly declare the following to you. Firstly, it is not necessary to demonize men, it offends the good representatives of the species, which, believe me, are found in nature. Secondly, a man behaves exactly as a woman allows him to behave. Yes, if she is dependent on a man, yes, if she is ready to forgive him aggression in exchange for marital status, material content and the like, then "bad men" take advantage of this. But maybe it’s just not to build a relationship with a man on financial and other dependence? It makes sense to spend energy on a more responsible approach to your life.
How to protect yourself from a tyrant husband?
From the very first days of marriage, you need to outline the boundaries of what is permitted and adhere to them even in the most touching and intimate moments. Keeping respect for your spouse and yourself, maintain and uphold your own interests. How to protect yourself in a conflict? Psychological self-defense
Do not refuse to meet with friends for the sole reason that your husband does not like your girlfriend. Usually a tyrant husband directly or indirectly affects your choice in his favor, not paying attention to your desire to communicate with friends. Therefore, be careful and do not go to the tyrant and despot about it, he can skillfully lead you to the fact that you do not go to a party with friends. Although you really wanted it. About imposed guilt
You should not feel guilty about talking with friends, and your loved ones are not required to please your husband. But he must show respect for them. You can’t allow your tyrant husband to manipulate himself, even in small things. How to recognize a tyrant?
Of great importance for a man not to behave like a tyrant and despot is how much you respect yourself and are able to fight back.
It is important here to pay more attention to yourself and your appearance, to have your own interests and hobbies, to develop and be more competent in some matters than your husband.
You must understand for yourself that the tyrant husband will constantly infringe on your independence and independence. Sometimes even your independence will annoy him. Therefore, it will be very important to maintain your financial independence.
Under no circumstances should you give up your work, as if your tyrant husband would not provide you. A woman who can afford to live without a husband is less likely to have to endure humiliation. How to learn to love and respect yourself?
Any disrespect for you should not be left unpunished. Many tyrants are actually cowards and assert themselves by humiliating a weaker woman. One has only to fight back in the form of self-esteem, as tyrants immediately retreat.
How to protect yourself from the cruelty of a tyrant husband?
When you live with a tyrant husband, you may encounter violent manifestations on his part. Immediately, without delay, let your husband know that you will not let yourself be humiliated, and cruelty on his part will not go unpunished. Consequences of child abuse
Be sure to tell about your husband’s cruel attitude to other close relatives so that your relatives will be ready to protect you if necessary, and the tyrant husband knows that you are not afraid to call him to account.
Many women put up with tyrants “for the sake of children,” not realizing that they would probably be better off in an incomplete and not rich, but happy and calm family. It will be difficult for your children, being in an unfavorable emotional atmosphere daily, to learn how to build the right relationship. Think about it when you endure all the bullying of your husband - a tyrant for the sake of family and children.
If you still doubt whether to leave the tyrant, talk with those who have already decided on this. Almost all women regret that they did not do this before.
How to get away from her husband - a tyrant?
Most psychologists recommend that their wives abandon home tyrants, for it is practically impossible to re-educate an adult man while simultaneously getting rid of the psychology of the victim. If you really have finally made the decision to leave your tyrant husband, then psychologically prepare yourself before you leave. Reternity for no reason. How to get rid of jealousy?
You may be overwhelmed by terrible doubts about the correctness of the decision.
In order not to go about these doubts, try not to hold on to the memories. Many women recall how caring the husband used to be, and hope that everything will return. Evaluate the whole situation completely and completely, but in the real dimension.
Analyze the actions of your husband - a tyrant, and draw the right conclusions about what his cruelty can lead to. Set all priorities correctly.
Never be afraid to lose your husband, especially if he is a tyrant and despot. No love can justify a broken life, yours and your children. If a man does not agree to respect you and perceive as an equal partner - do not grieve about him. It is impossible for the husband to suspect that you want to leave him. He will try to take any steps, just to prevent this.
It’s not easy to get away from the tyrant
Therefore, it is better to prepare everything in advance. Escaping into the unknown is recommended only when the man is not limited to moral violence and applies physical impact.
Prepare yourself for leaving financially and try not to notice things for your husband beforehand. It is advisable that at first you and your children live with someone from your loved ones. This is also necessary for your safety.
If you cannot get away from your tyrant husband, then you must be prepared to fight for your free will and dignity.
Why are they trying to break us? How to prevent self-assertion at our expense? The reasoning of the psychologist.
Alas, this happens much more often than it seems at first glance. And just when we are in a good mood, when we have achieved something, when the result of our efforts is obvious. And more often than not, close people who we would like to wait for support to strive to demoralize us. Or at least kind words, smiles. Sometimes it seems that we are not loved. And even quite the opposite.
You like the way you look, the way you dress today. Soul birds sing. I want everyone around to smile.
Suddenly a replica from a husband or mom :
- Where are you so dressed up? Raven scare? (There are many options, one meaning.)
And the mood somehow falls.
You have been working hard for something that gives you real pleasure. Finally, you want to show your work to a specialist in the business that you are so passionate about.
“Do you think this will be interesting to anyone?”
You are in a great mood, guests have gathered, you have laid a wonderful table, everyone is happy. Finally, the time has come for you to relax, to relax after all the hassles associated with cooking, serving. You have fun, laugh at the plain jokes of the guests.
- Behave yourself!
Agree - this happens often. Inwardly from such words you are jerking, as from a slap in the face. And it seems nothing special. But for some reason you lose your strength. There is no joy left. And faith in oneself disappears instantly. But on the other hand - is it necessary to react violently? Well, said and said. Nothing particularly rude. It seems to be. That it destroys me from the inside out is a matter of my character. No wonder he (she) always tells me that my character is bad. I have to change.
And now - you see? - we are already demoralized. We already do not have the strength to be ourselves, to achieve our own, to go our own way of life. This is not as innocent as it seems.
“Why are we loved and beloved by demoralizing us?” Why? Yes, very simple: out of jealousy. Such jealousy happens - without scenes, fights, screams, tantrums, asking who, when, with whom and why. It happens when a lover destroys your "I", creates the installation: "Well, who needs you, except me, such a worthless one."
It's scary to believe it! It makes the most dear person. Can not be! It seemed to me. And here we are. We endure for a very long time. And it happens, we break. We lower our hands. We obey the circumstances of life that the partner imposes on us.
There is an even more terrible way to demoralize. I will give a life example. This time not a friend or acquaintance. My own. I was silent for a long time about the details of my family life. with my first husband precisely because I was ashamed of the behavior of the closest person. I tried to cover him. Make his image in the eyes of others more attractive, or something. It does not give anything. It only drives you into a swamp, from which not everyone can even get out. And life is destroyed, as if gnawed out from within by greedy rodents.
The trouble is that my husband suffered because of his own complexes, nurtured in him by his upbringing from childhood. We were very different in this regard. But I got married по любви, мечтала иметь много детей, жить долго и счастливо. Я вообще была радостным и творческим человеком. Трудностей не боялась, в силы свои верила. И вот, что происходило. В моменты каких-то моих достижений или просто особенной радости муж напивался. Он в быту, в обычной жизни (не в состоянии алкогольного опьянения) был человеком, хорошо воспитанным, не допускавшим ни тени грубости и хамства. Но когда напивался, его место словно занимал совсем другой человек. Пожалуй, даже и не человек. Скотина. And this cattle could afford absolutely everything. Dirty curses, screams, any manifestations of anger.
For a long time I could not understand why all this happens exactly when everything is especially good? Just then, when would we be happy together? I could not even imagine that my husband was taking revenge on me for my success in this way. He seeks to break me, demoralize, morally destroy. How many times have I tried to find out a mere trifle with him, sober:
- Well, you got drunk (nothing good, but okay.). So come home and go to bed. Just sleep. Tomorrow everyone to work. And the kids are already sleeping. Why raise a scandal? Why wake everyone up? Why are children's tears, my horror, sobs?
He usually replied that he did not remember anything. And I even felt sorry for him. He has such a pathological intoxication, you see. It's nothing you can do.
And so, after many years, everything became clear: jealousy and envy. He felt humiliated. It would seem that it’s easier - you seek! Work, persevere, try, believe in your strength. But it was not up to my companion. It was easier for him to push and crush me than to work and try.
It took me so many years, strength and health to understand this! But the conclusions were obvious. Patterns were traced. Drunk scandals arose every time when everything was fine. He made me miserable. And, having received a dose of my tears and suffering, he behaved like silk the next day. Love itself, tenderness itself, attention itself. And just asking for forgiveness. And I would only have to somehow gain strength. And this feeling of complete emptiness ahead.
This was a most dangerous symptom, but I didn’t even think about myself. I lied to myself. I did not allow myself to admit that my husband purposefully destroys me. And not just me. I lied to others, creating a miserable decoration of a prosperous family life. In the wind, I let go of my powers, which were presented to me from birth.
All this was an immature approach to one’s own life, to one’s own path. Many years passed until I realized: he asserts himself at my expense. In such a sadistic way. And the best thing is to leave. Forget everything bad. And live on. But already without this dependence on his desire to drink. Without co-dependency.
I once received a response to my blog post. It was about drinking. And my interlocutor wrote that they had one wise teacher at the institute who advised them student girls: “If a husband drinks, he gives his word to improve, but he drinks anyway, don’t suffer more than three years. It won’t be better. And don’t hope "Further - only worse." This wise teacher is absolutely right. Further - only worse. I learned this from my own experience. It took me years to believe in myself again, gain strength and stop feeling like a victim.
It was hard work. But her beginning was to see clearly and clearly what I allow myself to do. Understand that it is necessary to judge not by beautiful sweet words, but by deeds. And draw conclusions!
If you feel that this topic is something close to you, let's think together.
Answer your own questions:
- Are you afraid of the temper of your partner?
- Does it happen that you give in to a partner out of fear of his anger or annoyance?
- If your partner finds himself in an unpleasant or difficult situation, do you have a desire to rush to save him?
- Do you justify your partner’s mistreatment of others and others?
- Do you bear it if your partner pushes, kicks, or hits you in anger or irritation?
- Do you find excuse for the behavior of your partner that his father behaved the same with his mother?
- Do your decisions about your life and communication with friends and relatives depend on the desires and reactions of your partner?
If you answered some questions in the affirmative, attention: you show the characteristic features characteristic of the victim.
Jealousy is not a sign of love
If your partner is jealous of you for no reason whatsoever, but explains his jealousy as a manifestation of love for you and concern for you, do not flatter yourself. You accept its rules. It will only get worse. Jealousy is not a sign of love. Jealousy is a signal that your partner is fearful and insecure. Your fault is not here, although he will be inclined to blame you on occasion.
A jealous man in the guise of deep love will give you vigilant observation. Who did you speak on the phone with? Who are you writing to? Why did I go to my parents? Why are you paying too much attention to children? There will be bans and work (for fear that you can meet another), there will be stinging remarks about friends.
Do you like total control? Do you put up with him, believing that this is true love for you? At first they will tell you that they care about your safety. Then they will be angry that you were late at work. Even if you just stayed at work, and this is known and proven.
You will be asked in detail where you were, with whom and what you were talking about.
Gradually, there will not be a single sphere of your life that your partner would not control, up to housekeeping, choosing clothes, makeup. Family money will also be in control.
Take a look at your companion as soon as you start dating him. A jealous person, as well as a person prone to domestic violence, usually insists on getting married as quickly as possible. He says that he fell in love at first sight, that you are the only one, that your meeting is destiny, etc.
Do not hurry. Take a closer look. A few months is too short a time to understand what can be expected from a person in the future.
Then, pay attention: no matter what the problem, he will find a way to blame anyone, but not himself. And above all, the wife becomes the object of the charge. She interferes with his personal growth. She annoys him. She distracts him. She behaves wrong with him. Thus, over time, his wife becomes the main source of troubles and problems of a weak person. He will allow himself insults. A rude word spoken by chance, an offensive tone. These are not trifles. And in no case should you even allow the thought that you are to blame for someone else's rudeness addressed to you.
And even if he hits you, he will explain it by the fact that you are to blame for this: brought him.
I repeat: do not rush to connect your life with a person until you know him well enough. Do not let demoralize yourself. Do not miss the ears said at your address taunts and rudeness. Get rid of relationships that bring you pain and suffering. Your life. Appreciate her. Take care of yourself. Get rid of fears. They only interfere with making the right decision. Act like a mature person.